Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: guess who I bumped into at the store

My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone

Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂

I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.

*looking a gift horse in the mouth*

– British dentists

The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.

Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.

Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.

So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .

Guess who got his yard cut?

At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.

A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.

He’s an artificial sweetner.

I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?

A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:

My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer

*curtsying before the royal duck court*

M’allard!

Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’

“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”

Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”

Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.

You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?

Cannibals.
And also a fork.

My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:

– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pens

What year does he live in??

[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*

god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now

My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂

I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.

the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product

People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.

COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE

Him: How ’bout this rain?

Me: It makes my asshole itchy.

And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.

Humor: the only thing I like dry.

*watching movie with demon killer clown*

Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom