Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.

Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…

Does this dress make me look cat?

Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?

Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”

Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”

Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”

Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”

Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”

Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.

my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place

My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes

[the inventor of corn chips]

What if knives were delicious?

i’m sure it’s fine

The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.

cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*

ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses

People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”

Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?

“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”

– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.

Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.

ME: *enters password*

COMPUTER: Weak and insecure

ME: No it’s not

COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine

me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”

MUGGER: Give me your money

ME: Stay back, I have mice

MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace

*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*

[Me, on my deathbed]

Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?

My mother’s maiden name is Password.

Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”

Dr: (knocks on door before coming in the room)
Me: Pooping

Potatoes were such a good idea

[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*

Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?

*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER

If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales