Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision

-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance

that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse

Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs

Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.

Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.

pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.

There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.

at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.

Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.

I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?

No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.

cop: know why I pulled you over?

fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick

All Amazon reviews are like

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy

⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY

Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.

Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.

T: You need a break
M: Yes.

T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?

T: Hell no.

Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day

a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway

Me: I’ve lost my kitten

Cop: How would you best describe him?

Me: He looks like a miniature cat

My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.

T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH

“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out

I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.

97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.

Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.

you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute

He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.

That’s how the fight started

Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long

Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.

Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.

Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions