@kentgrossarth

Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.

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@foxnerdrn

If he doesn’t sleep with a life-sized replica of you made of human hair and deli meats, he’s not as into you as I am.

@twayne1010

Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?

@Reverend_Scott

COP: Know why I stopped you?

MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?

COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken

@junejuly12

Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:

1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed

@dahrae_

shout out to the guy at the asian grocery store line who turned around, looked me dead in the eyes, and said “i was there when the world ended,” sending me into immediate fear.

he was talking about final fantasy 14, and i was wearing my ff14 zip up.

@wittwitbarista

I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”

@simoncholland

People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.

@daplusk

I want to meet someone who enjoys long walks along the beach, so I have enough time to sit at home alone and tweet

@SpenceDen

*fills the ice tray once*

I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE