Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
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My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom