Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
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“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
my sentiments exactly
how much does a mortician urn in a year
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
Shout-out to the dad who suggested we have a parents vs. kids game for the last soccer practice, and then didn’t show up to the game where us parents almost died playing 12 – 14 year olds “taking it easy” on us in 80-degree weather.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
Olympics, but with real life skills like who can build the tallest pile of trash on top of the can to avoid taking it out
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
This dad at the mall is confidently pushing an empty stroller like “I’ve got this” and there’s a toddler 20 feet behind trying to catch up
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.