Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
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ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
If you’re wondering how motherhood is going, I’m watching a TV show and someone is in traction with a full body cast and I sighed and said “That looks so relaxing”
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
the greatest twitter interaction
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
we went out on a boat to see whales and the crew encouraged us to clap and cheer for the whales and boo at the regular fish
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
You’re an adult – you can eat the whole tube of toothpaste if you want to. No one can stop you
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Just blocked someone for correcting my spelling and it feelded great.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?