[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
You Might Also Like
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.