Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
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If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
So it turns out that all of the tire places with “discount” in their name have the same prices as everyone else.
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.