Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
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Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
I went for a Pap Test today and the nurse said “I like your hair colour, is it natural?” and I replied “well, you’re about to find out.” [Seinfeld slap bass end scene] x
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
“when we kissed, I saw fireworks” you mean the kiss was super boring despite also being incredibly loud and scaring the shit out of my dog?
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Hopefully, on paid administrative leave.
My dog learned how to text
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”