Why there is always a kid crying when I go to the store? Dude. You aren’t the one paying for groceries. Stop.
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Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
こいつ天才
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
Who would have thought that eating 4 cans of beans would backfire like this?
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
🤣😂
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”