Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re going end up on an episode of Dateline, make sure you’re the killer

There’s a serious limit in how much one can take

Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.

me: hi do you take walk ins?

funeral parlor director: what?

Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.

Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip

Twitter is the new flypaper.

I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes

I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.

[first day as Uber driver]

ME: *weaving through traffic*

PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?

[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what

I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!

Cookie.

There, happy now? You cunts.

when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves

yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in

If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…

…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.

professor x: what’s ur superpower

me: i take things literally

professor x: that’s not a superpower

me:

professor x: where’s my pen

[me as a snake handler]

Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.

HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date

ME: kill?

HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect

ME: we are talking out loud

I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying

Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first

Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.

I’m still traumatized about being shaken down for lunch money by the third grade bully. What makes it worse is that I was his third grade teacher at the time.

It’s his time

At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”

So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?

Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.

You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?

Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit

A wise Chinese man once said,

“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”

Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.

[Titantic sinks]

Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?

Rose: [door lock noise]

1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside

[battle]

ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit

SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word

M: It means give up

S: Oh cool. Lets do that