Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]

A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.

I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.

I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.

We’re talking about food, right?

Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by

I saw a shooting star tonight and thought if the other stars had guns this would never have happened.

Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long

9: [doing something dangerous]

me: ok look I’m afraid you’re going to slip, fall and crack your head open and die

9: you’re always afraid of something like that.

I’m as full as a tick on a tampon

One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.

I’m getting into the smashed penny business. I stand near the machine and sell parents 2 quarters and a penny for 5 dollars.

You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.

– My 4yo. Apparently.

“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”

GOD: I call those trees and plants

ANGEL: very beautiful

GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them

ANGEL: dude who hurt you

Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!

Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.

Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!

I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.

My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.

When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.

I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul

Optometrist: please stop talking

Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!

WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.

TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*

I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”

Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*

My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.

I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.

I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse

I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.

I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.

My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.

I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream

I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?

One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.