why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
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Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
Whenever you feel like the world is falling apart, take a deep breath and remember you’re right.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
We can’t land research equipment on Venus because the heat melts the circuitry, so NASA should build rovers made from fat-free cheese because nothing can melt that garbage.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
sometimes we need to be reminded
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”