why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
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meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
Hey I worked for it too!
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Flight attendant alerted us to a “birthday queen” coming down the aisle and asked everyone to clap for her. The woman next to me quietly said “That was weird.”
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty