why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
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Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
🎶It’s like 10,000 steps when all you need is a nap🎶
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
i can’t wait that long
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*