why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
You Might Also Like
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
Judges are so childish. Oh, you’re angry so you’re going to slam your little hammer on the table?
Grow up
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
Bad news – science doesn’t want your body. Looks like your only choice is to put it up on Facebook marketplace
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
I fucking love Gary Larson so much
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
Note to self: I am a note
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
