Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
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Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
My Uber driver has crazy rules. I can talk, but anything I say can be used against me in a court of law?
It’s also kind of alarming that he has a full laptop setup and a shotgun in his front seat.
The cuffs I understand. Never can be too careful.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
So, can we agree on 4 or
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
My dog couldn’t find his favorite toy so I got on my hands and knees and crawled around the house for 10 minutes looking under all the furniture, and he was SO excited for me to be down there with him, I could tell he was like “YES she finally figured out how to walk”
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.