Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
You Might Also Like
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
“Hope you’re enjoying the sunshine!”
No, I’m at a desk reading your email.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
I tried to speak French one time, accidentally swallowed like 6 words
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
We often get asked if we take money to promote products. Absolutely not, we always say no as that would stain our reputation. The kind of stain only Persil non bio could get out, even at low temperatures.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
can’t believe there’s a whole clinic for mayonnaise
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.