Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”

Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…

Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.

How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.

Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok

Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.

History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.

I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.

Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”

I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down

You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.

expecting to live rent-free in my mind? good luck being homeless

[street fight]

Come at me bro!!

*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles

*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away

Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.

Person: how does writing work?

Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise

Person: then you’re done with the book?

Writer: then you move to the next sentence

i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad

when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭

If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.

👀

[God making water]

“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what

I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.

[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?

If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.

birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot

“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll

Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?

It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”

I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping

we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.

5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?

Me: *cuts it differently*

5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*

Me: Why aren’t you eating it?

5yo: Because it’s not the same!

[Job Interview]

Boss: What’s your biggest wea-

Me: Interrupting people.

2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son

*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*

Well, there’s always next year

when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight