Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.

Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time

Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?

Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*

Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.

“How is tofu made?”

Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….

When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house

[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.

horrifying if literal: the electric slide

“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%

“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%

There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl

My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”

INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?

ME: That’s right.

INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?

The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.

Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*

Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.

🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse

🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse

🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse

If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.

Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.

#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?

Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”

Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”

Lambs: “Baaaa!”

Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”

Lambs: “…”

Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”

inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert

I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.

ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.

Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*

You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.

When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.

Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?

Here
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-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.

Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.

[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay

I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.