Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
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[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
#dnd #ttrpg
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
My wife gives the best headache.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
wait a minute….
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.