Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
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Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
Woman on the tube: How old is your baby?
Mum: She’s two and a half weeks.
Woman: Wow. What’s her name?
Mum: Still deciding.
Little Girl nearby: My name’s Martha (pause) So you can have that for free.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
Asked my kid to point to her spleen. Bought at least two minutes of silence while her finger wandered up and down and left in right in search of the elusive organ
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
[getting shot out of a cannon] *to my date* I’ll call you when I land, Denise.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.