Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
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No one on Facebook can believe their kid is turning ANY age
Can you imagine… an archeologist… sweeping their house… with that tiny little broom
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
Muppet Screams
My wife has us watching so many crime documentaries, I swear I’ve seen a drone shot of every small-town water tower in America.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
Running from your problems is cardio .
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
“Your copier’s not working right. My copies all came out blank.”
“Looks like you ran them through wrong-side-up.”
“So, what, I need to flip them over?”
“Or we could turn the copier upside-down but that seems like a lot of work.”
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.