Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
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I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
You don’t need to explain yourself if you carry a chainsaw.
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
I’m putting together a team
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”