why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
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Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
Make your kid’s next birthday a surprise party by taking them to Walmart.
My love language is deader than Latin
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work