Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Beautiful woman who approaches my friend: Hey! You’re the father of one of my kids
Friend: Listen I got a good life, we both agreed it was a one time thin-
Woman: I’m his English teacher

i wonder if hootie ever experimented with other kinds of fish

If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.

Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.

Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.

Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…

The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”

Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*

*speed dating

So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.

*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*

Oh good, I was hoping for a terrifying, fungus-related dystopian nightmare today

person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???

“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale

Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof

I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.

*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*

me hitting on a model

Filling my pez dispenser with ibuprofen for whimsical pain relief

Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after

THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?

ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.

Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.

*one minute after turning out light*

My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.

I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.

“Theirye’re” problem solved

I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.

As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.

Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.

3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.

My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.

I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.

Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds

On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.

*Both show rock

Again!

*Both show rock

Again!

*Both show rock

Again!

Caveman: This game is stupid.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: It’s a surprise