why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
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Child: I’m bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Child: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Child: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Child: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Child: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
Rude much 😂😂😂
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.