Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
You Might Also Like
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
The left. The right. The ambidextrous. Politics is so confusing.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe