Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what

3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game

People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor

addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother

How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.

Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter

you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy

This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.

So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter

When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.

Shut the hell up.

In my 20s: jingle all the way

In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty

Everyone says “Do what makes you happy”, until you push them down the stairs.

OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.

bias laundering edition

‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.

A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.

My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!

I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.

Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.

Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.

Me: You wrote a play?

Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.

Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?

This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.

Boom! Zing! This is free content!

Me: one admission please

Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home

Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.

So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.

He was a t8er boi. My little potato boi

Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!

Chocolate Cake: …..

Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.

[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then

I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.

People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.