Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
You Might Also Like
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
I’m the guy that pushes on a pull door then leaves because I think the door is locked.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
I might carry a baby with one hand.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?