Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
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GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
I saw some guy got arrested when he tried to steal two salamis by sticking them in his pants. I bet if he had only stolen one, he might have gotten away with it.
Aw, crap. My airbnb has one of those cellars with a man locked in a cage who claims he’s just a normal man who was kidnapped but the property owner says he’s actually the devil in human disguise and if I let him out, his evil will end the world.
AND the wifi is spotty. Christ.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Broom by every window for quick escape.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
I’m never leaving this app.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
yeah no that’s fair
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.