Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
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It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
telling a musician “great content tonight, man” after their set
The guy I’m training thinks he’s going to take my job by undermining me, listen, buddy, you can have it.
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
At my funeral please take that bouquet of flowers off my coffin and throw it to the crowd to see who’s next
“playing devil’s advocate” should cause explosive diarrhea 1 out of every 5 times someone (your coworker) says it
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.