Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
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Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
Why would I want a memory pillow? Sleep is where I go to forget.
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
I put a NEW DRIVER sticker on my car so people will have mixed emotions when I cut them off.
My son just lectured his brother because he couldn’t find his phone like I didn’t just find his glasses in 2 minutes after he claimed they were lost forever.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
It’s Friday the 13th and there’s a dude outside my door wearing a hockey mask but he’s also selling Girl Scout Cookies, so you see the problem
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
My husband made me mad so I sent him to a store that closed a year ago to buy something they stopped making two years ago
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.[buys a single banana]
87,000,000 fruit flies.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”