Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
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Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
like last october and the one before that gotta go to human resources for talking in dracula
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
I wouldn’t describe myself as an “adult”, per se. More like a “long child”.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war