Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
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hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
I have never related to a cat more
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys