Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
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Let’s Go
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
They say if you see something, say something. Of course they’ll tell you to go be crazy somewhere else, but still.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
🤣😂🤣😂
