Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
You Might Also Like
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen