Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”

Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”

* feels winds of change

* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts

Tear gas is the saddest gas.

What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash

I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that

my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?

it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something

Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-

Son: Dad please don’t…

Dad: Lawn gone.

Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why

If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.

I fixed it. For me

[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]

“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”

*fist bump*

Not to brag, but in school I was voted “Most Likely to Cling to Past Achievements”

I have no passwords left in me

Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.

I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.

interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure

vanilla ice: *squinting* no

When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume

Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.

You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.

Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.

If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.

I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.

Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.

If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.

Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL

I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell