why we do always assume Pat is short for Patrick when it could also be short for Patatouille
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Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
Me: that curry was delicious. What was in it?
Hannibal Lecter: it’s a family recipe.
Me: Can I get a spoon to finish off the sauce?
Hannibal: Just mop it up with your nan.
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
Taliband
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
Pajamas are so cute. Like, let me go put on a little outfit to be unconscious.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
this full container of cheese balls just rolled out of somebody’s truck onto the road
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Welcome home! How was your trip? Do you want to hear the good news about your plants or the bad news about your cat?
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.