why we do always assume Pat is short for Patrick when it could also be short for Patatouille
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*tapes picture of my missing milk carton to the side of your child*
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
Student email: “hello…”
Student extension request email: “your grace…”
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
mercury is no longer in retrograde so never trust a cow bc the sun can’t swim.
the simulation is moving too fast
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes