Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.

Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.

Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.

Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows

[guy who’s about to invent urinals]

*peeing* i hate having privacy

I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.

If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.

Your cougar jokes make me puma pants.

Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂

why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake

An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.

America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.

If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales

My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.

[doing a crossword]

friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony

me: baby horse

friend: no like fake

me: unicorn jr

me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive

hello 911?
ok first of all, happy new year

A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.

“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera

[making out]

ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*

GIRLFRIEND: omg really?

ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.

a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti

Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!

Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.

Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.

rules for dating my daughter:

1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm

2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me

3. please be my friend

me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night

my friend (also normal): of course

I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence

If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?

“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak

“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus

Him: You are a souless ginger.

Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.

Him: Funny!

Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.

Him: *nervous laugh*

I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?

*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*