why we do always assume Pat is short for Patrick when it could also be short for Patatouille
You Might Also Like
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
My mind is like someone dumped the entire junk drawer on a trampoline
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
My fridge is a veritable cornucopia of leftovers. I am not grateful for this cornucopia. My cornucopia is beginning to grow stuff.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
My dad.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
Animal poetry
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.