Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
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The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
a lot to unpack here
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.