Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
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Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
shakira sharkira
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
cause of death:
autopsy.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
I want a ticket to anywhere. #FallonTonight
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
*tries to suppress yawn in meeting*
eyes: *water*
*looks like I’m crying in meeting*
me: yeah this is better
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
The three genders
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.