Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?

Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy

[Earlier that day]

Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head

[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend

I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.

I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.

I’m never using self-checkout again.

next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom

Many people mistakenly believe that diamond is the hardest substance on earth, when in fact its microwaved egg on the sides of this bowl

if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked

About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.

That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.

Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?

Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon

Him: you mean secret ingredient?

*catapult launching sound*

Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this

Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog

GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish

I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.

I know people don’t like when I get political, but if you’re going to vote, it should be during an election.

HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN

Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.

The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.

No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention

I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.

“All you can control is yourself,” I told myself as though I’d never seen my Mastercard statement

Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.

Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭

Me: 😐☹️

Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭

Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.

My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something

DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?

Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?

You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.

Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.

AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you

OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.

My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house

If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.