Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
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[first day at ninja school]
*wonders if i’m in the right room as i can’t see or hear anyone else*
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Can’t get worse than that 😭 😭
You are what you delete.
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
🌲😼
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
This Turtle was Found by U.S. Coast Guard with $53 million Worth of Cocaine Attached to It.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
