Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
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I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
opening twitter today
Jesus steals the winter solstice
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
Me: that curry was delicious. What was in it?
Hannibal Lecter: it’s a family recipe.
Me: Can I get a spoon to finish off the sauce?
Hannibal: Just mop it up with your nan.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches