WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
You Might Also Like
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.