WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
You Might Also Like
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
hey, alexa
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL