Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Confused owl: What?!

I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.

The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.

Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.

You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?

Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”

I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.

lots of war chat today so it is time to remind everyone that you did not in fact fight in world war 2, that was a film you saw

Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.

Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*

Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.

Where is your GOD now????

Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.

you’ll be having a good day and then someone your age says they’re buying a house

Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.

Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?

Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month

Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.

Me: I wish I was super hot.

Menopause: Say no more, fam.

So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.

Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)

Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.

“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market

Pumpkin spice season comes earlier every year and yet some still deny climate change.

wife: is that ellen?

daughter: no, it’s dory

me: ellen is the actress that plays dory

daughter: is she a fish?

me: no, she’s a human

daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish

“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”

Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?

I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.

Obsessed with when babies see a younger baby and say “baby!” Like girl, ur the Spider-Man meme right now

little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away

Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.

Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.