“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
You Might Also Like
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
WORST THINGS ABOUT NOT BEING A DENTIST
4. Nobody asks me for my opinion about teeth
3. No idea where to buy a denist’s chair if I ever need one
2. Am not treated as an equal in the dentist community
1. Constantly being overlooked for the prestigious Dentist of the Year Award
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.