“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
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me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
Canadian owl: Eh?
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.