@schmittsteve

“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”

[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]

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@carlyken

I need a career involving less interaction and more pizza.
I’ve narrowed it down to:
Pizza Farmer
Pizza Hunter
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle

@mommy_cusses

4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…

@msdanifernandez

Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart

@garrydavenport

Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”

My six year old: “Crab!”

@sixfootcandy

Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.

@SJKSalisbury

Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]

@buttsword

women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us

@mostly_cheese

I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.

@CoopSoSarc

I was feeling great about myself when I saw my number on the womens bathroom wall ‘for a good time’.

Then I recognized my hand writing.