Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”

-Sir Smirnoff

It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.

They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?

Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.

I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.

I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.

Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.

Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers

Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??

Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER

How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?

[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?

her: probably “ethereal,” it means-

me: mine is “shuttlecock.”

2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets

My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.

*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*

JERY: Maybe you can just go back

TERESA MAY: go back ?

JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.

MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?

JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously

Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.

This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.

Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.

A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.

me: how much is the funny smelling spray

clerk: perfume?

me: no the whole bottle

my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68f

me: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?

my HOA sent me a complaint about weeds being in my front yard and they took a picture of me….pulling the weeds…..and sent it to me saying I needed to do something about it ???? omfg

Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.

Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.

[bedtime]

daughter: dad, i’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while i’m sleeping

me: don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first

daughter: …

me: night, sweetheart

Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.

Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.

<Enter Password>

Morningbreath

<Password too strong>

[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)

ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane