Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
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YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
Person: What’s your handicap?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t golf.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”