Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*putting dead animal heads on the walls*

People will like this!

“GUYS! WAKE UP! SOME DUDE JUST ATE CARL!”

Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!

Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”

[road trip]

Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!

Kid: but

Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND

I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 Pants

For the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks

$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?

me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*

her: nope just crazy

me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons

“Hey, smell this.”

-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.

bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products

Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”

Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?

Me: (holding back tears) 3 days

D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like

M: Not really

You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.

My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.

Also I’m sorta crunchy.

My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.

If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”

This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.

SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman

ME: there is no bogeyman honey

SON: he’s not real?

ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago

SON:

ME: there was so much blood

SON:

ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer

I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you

You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.

wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}

.. do you even science?

So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.

you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school

Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.

Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.

“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”

– Credit card chip inventor

– Me, writing tweets

I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.

I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.

Ad placement of the day

#ooh