Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
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Okay, he’s ricocheted off a few buildings, but he seems fine now.
Such a beautiful day I chose to walk instead of the bus. Job interview can start without me.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Bro sacrificed his freedom just for that joke
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
My toddler learned to say COWBOY over the weekend and now every conversation is like this:
Me: would you like some milk to drink?
Toddler: no! Cowboy!
Me: I’m sorry. Would the cowboy like some milk?
Toddler: 🤠 yes 🤠
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
Me going back to a library branch I used to work at to pick something up
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!