Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Do you want the latest dirt?”

-No, but I appreciate the sediment.

me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

me: *swallows another quarter* no

Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!

Me: Please dont

Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins

Me: This is never flattering please just shut up

Friend: Look, I took a picture

Me: Man this is an old tire full of water

Friend: You guys are identical!

The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.

Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?

*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*

I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.

All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????

me: i can’t remember my password

my brain: how about an embarrassing memory

Whoever invented the envelope was cooking. Need more office supplies I can lick

I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.

I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.

2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.

Me: Don’t lick the dog.

2: He licked me first.

the girlies are turning into genghis khan

[road trip]

Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-

Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE

me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine

Jepfpf: no I haven’t

Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me

the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .

Him: you’re beautiful.

Her: no I’m not, hehe.

Him: yes, you are.

Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.

Him: oh, ok. I see it now.

These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.

The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids

Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?

Me: An uber haha

Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!

Couples Therapist: Yes

Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed

Magician: Pick a card, any car…

Me: Charizard

Magician: no, like a normal card

Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then

[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”

ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.

Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.

I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.

I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.

Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.

Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.