Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
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*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
*pointing at menu* this is nutrient free right? does this come nutrient free?
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
I’m living in a parallel universe where I suck at perpendicular parking.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
You got this…
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
Accurate
