Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.

Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.

I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.

Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!

Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?

Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”

When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.

Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing

Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.

The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.

Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.

[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down

Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.

This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.

I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.

Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.

I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit

[Last day in prison]

*Walks up to the biggest guy*

Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.

Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.

Him:*laughs nervously*

Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial

wanted: shrödingers cat

dead and alive

One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.

Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.

Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore

“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*

My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”

*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*

First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.

Why my dad got his bald friend contact saved as “Head” in his phone

I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.

– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.

A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.