Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions

I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead

I have a “baby on board” sticker on my car. No baby right now, I just want people to know I’m a sore loser

Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake

Beware…..

DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.

wife: i wish you’d moan during sex

[later, whilst doing the sex]

me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese

“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”

Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.

I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers

Me, flirting

Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.

[Pizza falls on the ground]

Hold

HOLD!

-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.

so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah

“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”

– Me, drunk at Target

What happened to the other hiker??!

The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.

Cashier: Would you like a receipt?
Me: Absolutely. This was the best Pop Tarts buying experience of my life & it’s going into my scrapbook!

Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”

yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁

my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes

The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW

The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”

“We need a machine that can count all these damn geigers.” – guy who invented the geiger counter

*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*

ME: Hon, wtf?

HER: push up bra

what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??

i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around

Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-

People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE

Meterologist: But science

People: NO

Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!

Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)

Hubs: Never mind

Me: Smart move

robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?

My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?

Nope.

Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.