Give me your water, Human!
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
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I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Them: why are you wearing a cape?
Me: i feel naked without it
Them: you are naked
Me: no, i’m wearing my cape
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.