Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
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The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
The Lion King is my favourite film outlining why you shouldn’t trust your uncle
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
I have so many questions.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
guy who strips completely naked before starting a fight with the menswear guy
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
Every. Damn. Time.
