Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
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Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
Hate it when i pull out a winter coat and there’s no money or drugs stashed in it
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
man found with dozens of heads in his trunk during routine traffic stop
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
Climax comes before effort, but only in a dictionary.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If I had a time machine, I’d go back and tell the Vikings that ‘MmmBop’ was a war cry.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.