Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
You Might Also Like
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
at ease…shoulder.
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
Saying “sounds good to me” in a meeting then quickly realising a lot more was expected from you.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
Boss: We need a name for our film studio
Me: Let him go first, he’ll copy my idea
1-up Karl: No I promise I won’t
Me: Ok my idea is 19th Century Fox
1-up Karl: *looks at camera*
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume