Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
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’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
me: *clicks Add to dictionary*
microsoft word: yeah definitely doing that 👍
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)