Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.

FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning

*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”

I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.

if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers

I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.

GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness

Me: Wait. . . wh-what?

GF: I’m pregnant

Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?

Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?

when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”

“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”

coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]

A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.

Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.

The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…

Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.

My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.

Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency

Can you explain the gaps in your resume?

Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about

There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo

Taco Bell: try this new thing

Me: what is it

TB: does it matter

Me: no I’ll take 3

There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.

You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?

Sleeping In A Car By Age:

12 And Under: Very cool

13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal

18+: Uh-Oh

AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.

I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume

I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.

Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this

Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no

All summer long: Kids are healthy.

5 minutes into first day of school: Everyone has Ebola.

Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?

Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?

Wife: …

Me: No, I have not seen it.

Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.

if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school