Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
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went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
Clients after you give them your rates
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
“What?”
– Jude
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
Happy 14th Anniversary to skipping school to go see MacGruber & the lady asking us to see ID and then saying “nevermind, anyone who’s under 17 would be in high school right now and who would skip school to go see MacGruber??” We laughed along with her and walked right in.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.