Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.

“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.

Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social

I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher

WIFE: I want a divorce.

ME: Is it because of my small wrists?

WIFE: Yes.

ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.

I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy

Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.

WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH

Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long

Me, to kid: “Don’t be scared; it’s only a movie. It’s not like it’s REAL!”

Also Me: watched Poltergeist as a kid and still have lifelong trust issues with trees, clown dolls, TV static, & walk-in closets.

I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people

You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean

181.

Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.

Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.

JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.

I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.

If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.

So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold

santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade

HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner

HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me

*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.

I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.

95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it

guy: my dog just died

girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog

AI is that friend who is always there for you but gives terrible advice.

In search of a lawyer who handles the most heinous of crimes. My 4yo woke me up at 5:30 this morning by sneezing in my face and then hopped away like a bunny.

I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.

I should be back in about eight days.

When you keep wishing for a good man but all you find is a severed arm washed up on the beach

There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.