Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.

Him: Productive conference call?

Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.

How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend

Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.

The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime

“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset

Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace

ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.

I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married

I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.

I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.

I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:

– candy 🍬🍭🍫

– parties🍕🎉🍻

– costumes👯👺👽

– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹

– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲

Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware

Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud

Mmmm. Shoeshi

I went from rags to one rag.

My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.

People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.

they say if you lose one of your senses the other ones become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day by just looking at them.

Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay

You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.

*First Passover*

The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS

Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?

Detective: one of you is the murderer

The actual murderer: *remains calm*

Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*

Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.

him: anything to declare

me: i don’t really like soup

everyone else in customs: [GASP]

me: are u 2 girls from England

them: Wales u idiot

me: sorry are u 2 whales from England

“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion

Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King

Him: have you had dinner yet?

Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.