why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
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If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
me after drinking all the wine:
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
had some friends over this afternoon. they said aloud they should be going “in ten minutes or so” and my 9 year old looked at them and then asked google to set a timer for 10 minutes
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
Arrest that man!
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.