why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
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paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
Feels
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.