@simoncholland

Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.

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@Home_Halfway

ME: I’m a moron and an idiot and no one likes me and I’m alone and I ruin everything in my life

RAP BATTLE OPPONENT: Dude I’m the one who’s supposed to insult you

@Invisichad

Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)

Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍

@theguywitheyes

MY BODY: You should exercise

ME: That sounds good

MY BODY: Because it’s heathy

ME: Yeah!

MY BODY: And makes you feel good

ME: Definitely!

MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!

ME: I’m lost

@kentgrossarth

Girlfriend: Have you ever been with a fat chick?
Me: Nope, you’re the first one.
Gf: What?
Me: What?

@agathagotstoned

Barring any distractions, it only takes about three months to teach a meerkat how to throw knives.

@VisionBored1

[Bottomless shrimp night at Red Lobster]

Me: *backing out of the restaurant with no pants on* There’s been a horrible mistake…

@TheDreamGhoul

BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*

@Bob_Janke

[teaching my dog to shake hands]

NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?

@EyalTweet

Therapist: Do you have a support system?

Me: I have a lumbar pillow.

Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?

Me: I have a lumbar pillow.

@djdarrellripley

Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.

Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!