Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
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Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
Basketball games are very squeaky.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
Morning.
Canadian owl: Eh?
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
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If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on