Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
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I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
I like how whispering makes everything sound sexier.. unless you’re saying something like “Can you pass the last slice of pizza” cause the answer is “no, it’s mine”
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.