Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
You Might Also Like
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
The only reason I insist on returning to the office is because my cat needs a break from me staring at him all day.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
How high do the levels go?
I want what they have
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
For when Tinder doesn’t work
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
Fruity
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
i have feelings for you but you have to guess which ones
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?