Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too

Happy to report that I have finally digested all the stuffing I ate since Thursday. Now onto to the mashed potatoes

him: i like athletic girls

me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk

him: not like that

Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.

Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.

My husband got rid of a big spider from the bedroom window using a pair of boxer shorts the other night. He waved them out of the window to shake the spider off. It was late at night and he wondered if this might be considered a sign for certain people.

8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”

– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me

Good morning

furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.

It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.

A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.

Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.

Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.

ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?

I always carry a condom.

I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.

If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?

NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”

Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:

Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.

After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “

“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.

“Hey. My eye is up here.”

– hurricanes

I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.

Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks

my mum slapped my neighbors wife and now I gotta fight her son man wtf i’m just tryna sleep

Them: You need to get a sense of humor.

Me: You need to say something funny.

It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.

THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.

If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.

I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.

Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down

2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth

*jogging*

Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up

Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*