Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
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“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
Napped wrong, so if you need me, I’ll be turning at the waist to look around like I’m 1989 Batman.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
Brilliant!
What weighs 20kgs and has eaten 2kgs of freshly roasted smoked gammon?
Me My dog
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.